than to go on living w/o faith....
i honestly feel like my life is like swimming in a river into a strong current. somedays you are so 'tired' that you just want to stop swimming and let go.
medical worries
can i protect my kids and wife
can i provide for them
can i do the things i am passionate about professionally while i'm alive
will my neighbor keep mowing her lawn
can i get along with people
on and on and on....
I was mowing my lawn over the weekend and was listening to some worship songs. I chose that section of the IPOD because mentally i was 'swimming against the current' at that time.
for some reason music brings you to a place of reality. Spiritually speaking.
i was at war mentally. there was a line in this song that said "Twas Grace that has brought me here safe so far" --- i am here, i am alive, hanging by a thread ---- but part B of the line "and that same grace will lead me home"
at that moment i broke down. Not the mower... me! i got upset and was raising my voice at God. The mower was loud so the neighbors could not hear me yelling to God. But i wasn't in the mood to play religion. i need answers or i am going to drown.
i said... "God i'd rather die today than go on with the rest of my life not truly trusting you."
Mental picture... being tossed into the middle of the ocean and the only thing thrown to you is a lifesaver flotation device. I really can't handle what life is throwing at me. I was yelling to God "Either you are real and trust worthy or you're not"
It was that life or death statement that changed my life. I can't go on living this play-religion act. I won't live this life drowning in worry and fear. God if i can't let go and absolutely trust that you won't let me drown... then i'd rather drown.
** side note ** it's always funny how the moment you draw a line in the sand... you'll have a fight with your wife. you'll get another bill. a car issue will pop up. a medical issue will pop up.
every hour. every minute. i will trust you. you are all i have.
'twas grace that has brought me safe thus far.... and grace that will lead me home'
